6. He Said What?!

At this point, nothing anybody says or does surprises me, but when I first started online dating, there were so many pick-up lines, comments, and actions that shocked me on a regular basis.  I’ve compiled a few of those moments for you, where I said to myself numerous times, “did he really just say that?!”  These people are so lame they don’t even deserve nicknames.

For my first attempt at a profile, I had a picture of myself in a dress.  It wasn’t a slutty picture.  I just thought it made me look good.  I matched with this really hot guy, and my phone dinged with a notification when he contacted me.  Excitedly, I logged in to check my message, only to be incredibly disappointed.  He said “nice dress.  Does it come with panties?”  Clearly this man whore and I were not on the same page, so I wrote back, just as promptly and said “for you, it comes with a chastity belt”.

At one point, I actually tried Match. The problem with Match is that you can’t really filter your results, and any idiot with a credit card can contact you.  I am not kidding – within a week I had over 800 messages!  Somehow, in all of those messages, I found the jackpot of weirdos.  “Finally!  A white girl with a nice ass!”  For the love of God and all things sacred and holy.  That’s the best this guy could come up with?  I told him that he was probably on the wrong site, and that tinder might be more up his alley because of the caliber of women on there (that is not meant to be judgmental, because, you know, I’m on there).  He seemed very discouraged, and was surprised that I had that reaction because “old” women like me always seemed pleased by him, and he chocked the rejection up to the fact that I was a lesbian.  He proceeded to tell me that he knew some hot, young women who could “turn me out”.  Old… Lesbian…  Hmmm.  I mean, at this point, that seems like a better option than this douche canoe, anyway.

Then there’s Wes.  I’ll just go ahead and tell you his name because he is a terrible person and deserves to be alone the rest of his life.  He is, and I’m sure will always be, the biggest dickhead I’ve ever met online.  Thinking about this almost makes me angry, because I can’t even believe people like him exist on earth.  Wes met me for lunch on our first date.  I didn’t find him attractive, but my ex-boyfriend was pretty hot and he turned out to be a waste of time, so I thought I’d give this mediocre guy, with the biggest freaking eyes I’ve ever seen, a chance.  His eyes were so big, he looked like he was surprised 100% of the time, which became really awkward when the waiter brought salsa, and asked Wes if something was wrong because of the way he looked at him.  Nope, nothing was wrong – those are just his crazy eyes.  We had a pretty open conversation, and I told him about some less than admirable things I had done when I was younger, thinking that he wouldn’t be the judgmental type.  Well, I was definitely wrong about that.  When we were finished with the date we hugged and said our good byes, and then I received a text message five minutes later.  “Anybody who has done what you’ve done obviously has a screw loose.  I was interested in sleeping with you until that.”  WHOOOOAAA, Wes.  Your first mistake was thinking I would have sex with you to begin with.  Your second mistake was to say something like that to me, period, because I will cut you so deep with my vernacular you’re gonna need stitches.  I ripped him into a thousand little pieces, blocked his number, and blocked his dating profile.  And guess who still shows up on every other dating site I’ve ever been on?  That’s right – Judgy McJudgerson with the freaky set of eyeballs.

Now I’ll introduce you to the fellow LSU fan.  I thought this guy would surely have some sense because we rooted for the same football team.  Au contraire!   My judgment led me astray yet again.  Before we met, we had some really good conversations about past relationships and what we were looking for in the future.  He wanted a relationship, and at that time I thought I did too, so I was really looking forward to having dinner with him.  Once we sat down at the restaurant on our first date, every time I said something he would say “you wanna sit on my face?”  I ordered an appetizer and again he said “you wanna sit on my face?”  “After you’re done with dinner, you wanna sit on my face?”  No, no I do not want to sit on your face.  I want to eat this cheese dip, and then I want to go home and be in bed by 8:30.  I don’t see any “face sitting” in the near future.  We never talked again after that.  I guess I ruined the date by not pulling down my pants and “sitting on his face”.  Shame on me.

Another thing I’ve learned about online dating, is that people seemed to have forgotten how to respect one another.  At times, I will be judged by my past, I will always be treated like I’m only good enough for sex.  But I will never change.  I have my standards and I have my life together even though it took me a while to get here.