The unfortunate thing about online dating, is you only get a little snapshot of a person to decide if you like him or her. Within that snapshot, you create this image in your mind about who they are, how they act, and what they will be like in person. When you finally meet, almost every time the person will be nothing like you thought, and most of the time it’s not in a good way. It’s really just a hit or miss.
I’ve been pretty lucky that most of dates look like their picture. They’re usually shorter than they say. Shocking that a man would lie, right? *eye roll* Anyway, height is usually the least accurate, but I’m more concerned with you being a decent person than being tall, so it’s okay. And while others looked identical to their pictures, their offline personalities were disappointing and flat out questionable.
When I was on Match, I had conversations with this guy who I thought was really hot, and he completely intimidated me. I was so nervous to meet him. In fact, I was so nervous I almost backed out of our first date entirely. When we finally made arrangements to meet, I waited at the restaurant for him to arrive. It was a rainy day so he was a little late. He called to let me know he parked, and was on his way through the lot. I patiently waited, twisting the ring I had on my finger because I was so nervous. Finally, here he came, the man I had been waiting for… He literally ran up to me. Actually, I should say he “sashayed” up to me, like a girl in tall heels flopping their arms around to maintain balance. My heart immediately sank. Okay, I sound superficial. How can I write off a guy based on his run alone? Well, when you look like you have the athletic fortitude of Richard Simmons, I can only assume that you’re gay, or missing a very good opportunity to be. Now with that aside, he continually winked at me through our entire meal. I mean, I bet he winked and kissy-faced at least 50 times. He was a real life emoji. I had a feeling I wasn’t his type, and that I had some male friends that might be more his speed.
Usually, the way to my heart is a sarcastic sense of humor. More than likely we’ll get along famously if you can maintain some sort of witty banter with me; but I’ve realized there is a fine line between having a dry sense of humor and have a bit of familiarity in your gestures/comments. Allow me to explain. This film crew guy, while being sort of nerdy, was pretty entertaining and I thought he was relatively decent looking. After a month or so we finally made arrangements to grab a drink. I sat down in front of him at the restaurant and I immediately felt this overwhelming awkwardness. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it just yet. Film crew guy kept making a couple of jokes, and I just couldn’t help but feel really weird about the whole situation. Then he made one sweeping gesture and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am on a date with my brother. YESSSS. My blinders suddenly opened and I realized that he very closely resembled my youngest brother – dark reddish hair, course facial hair, broad shoulders, tall, and a very distinct sense of humor.
Holy shit. How in the hell did I swipe right on someone that could pass as my brother? Am I that sick and twisted? Am I that far gone I’ll swipe right on ANYBODY?! I tried to keep calm. How can I change this around? Is there anything I could do to make film crew guy less familial? What if he shaved his face? Nope, he’d look just like my brother with no facial hair. I mean, I couldn’t even try to pretend like I’d have sex with him with a bag over his head. This sort of thing might be okay in Alabama (I’m pretty sure Bama would be okay with it, though – he was creepy enough as is), but where I come from, it’s really just frowned upon. I tried several times to end the date nicely. I wanted to run; run far far away and jump in a tub of holy water to cleanse my soul. However, he enticed me with a cinnabon, and I’m just not the type to say no to that. So while waiting in line, I did what I could to turn him off so I could soften the blow when I told him I couldn’t go on another date with him. I talked about pokemon GO (that actually ended a date previously – more to come on another post), I made a scene in the line at the Cinnabon, I told him how much I hated people and being touched, and tried to convince him I was the devil in disguise. I could tell it wasn’t working, so when we left, I gave him an awkward side hug and told him I was going to eat my cinnamon roll on the road…while driving…because that was more enjoyable than any part of this prolonged date, and I need to go home and drink heavily. He messaged me later that night and asked how horrible the date was, and I told him it was like dating my brother. I don’t think he believed me. It really does sound like something cliché, but he REALLY did remind me of my brother, and there is just NO way I’m going to even be able to give a pity bang to someone that even remotely resembles any part of my family’s genetics. It’s just…not…happening.
So, when I got home I inhaled an entire can of Lysol fumes to burn the memories out of my brain. Okay, no I didn’t. But it wasn’t a bad idea.
No you cannot poop on my chest 