Men are pretty basic, and after being in the online dating field for almost 3 years, I consider myself a self-proclaimed expert in dating lingo and behavior. Multiple people reach out to me regularly and ask my opinion on potential suitors, or seek advice on what someone’s intentions may be. That doesn’t necessarily make me an expert per say, but my assessment is usually on point. I’ve compiled a list of the most basic statements guys have made, and what they actually mean.
“Hey”
If his opening message to you is “hey”…and only that… one of three things just happened. He’s either not intelligent or unique enough to come up with anything other than earth’s most basic greeting, he doesn’t give two shits about you to put in any effort and never will, or he just sent that same message to 30 other women simultaneously and is hoping one of you will bite (and you are not, and will never be, anything special; he just wants in your pants).
“I’ll tell you in person”
When you ask him what he does for a living, and he makes jokes about it or is vague, he’s either a stripper or he’s unemployed. I have an example for you. I went on a date with a guy who wanted to have most of our important conversations face-to-face, so when the time came, I finally asked him what he did. His answer? “I’m unemployed”. He told me this after we had ordered appetizers, dinner, and drinks out the ass. How did he pay for his part of dinner? That’s a good question. And the answer is simple: He didn’t. Instead, he pulled out two VISA gift cards, crossed his fingers, and hoped it would go through. Of course it didn’t, so I was stuck with a $75 tab. Now I understand that things happen so I’m not judging for being unemployed, but if you don’t have a job or can’t afford your portion of dinner, you need to stay at home and quit swiping right. Since I paid for the entire date, I made him drive all the way to my house, move my heavy furniture, and paint my bedroom walls. After the job was done, I ushered him out, and never spoke to him again. I can be very understanding, but at the same time, be a grown ass man and make some adult decisions.
“I’m a Christian”
One of my favorite lines is when they say that “Jesus is my Man”, or “Christ is number 1”, or “faith and family come first”. Let’s just get this out of the way before you start yelling at me. I love Jesus. I’m a Christian (you’re probably surprised because I cuss a lot). However, if you see this in someone’s profile (and this goes for women too), they are going to be one of the worst – the most hypocritical, sexually driven, and/or judgmental. 90% of the time they don’t live by the profile they’ve sprinkled with religious dust. I connected with a scientist online, whose primary description about himself was how important Jesus was to him. Within minutes of exchanging phone numbers, he asked me to send him naked pictures. This was early on in my beginning stages of online dating, so I said no and laughed it off. If this were to happen now, I’d tell him to get lost. Nonetheless, every conversation we had turned into something sexual. We could be talking about pizza and he undoubtedly ask if he could eat pepperoni off my nipples. I mean, if we were actually dating seriously, I’d most likely say yes. But dude…I hadn’t even met him, and I’m not 100% sure I even think he’s attractive. When he got to the point of talking about ejaculating on my face, I had decided that was enough. I shamed him in a way that only I could, and never spoke to him again. Rule number 1 – don’t disrespect me and my body. I am not your sex toy and you will NEVER get in my pants. And if Jesus was that important to you, you wouldn’t be treating me like nothing more than piece of ass. Yep, I just said Jesus and ass all in the same sentence.
“What are you looking for?”
A general flow of conversation usually yields some kind of idea about what a person is seeking in the online world. If he has to ask you what you’re looking for as far as a relationship or a hookup, then either the conversation sucks or he wants to get in your pants, and he wants to make sure that he doesn’t waste any more time on you if you’re not going to put out. If he says, “I’m not really looking for anything, but if something more comes out of it, I’m okay with that,” he’s a liar. He just wants to bang you, and he’s trying to convince you that you have hope that you can change him from being an eternal bachelor to becoming the love of your life. And while we’re at it, if he has just gotten out of a relationship, he just wants to bang you. If he actually is looking for another relationship, then he will be a mentally unstable stage 5 clinger. If a guy is legitimately looking for a relationship and doesn’t fit any of the criteria I just mentioned, he probably still just wants to bang you.
“I’m funny”
Oh, God. This is the absolute worst. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen on a guy’s profile how they think they’re so hilarious. My profile said “chances are I’m funnier than you”. And guess what? I always was. You know how I know they’re not funny? Because EVERY. SINGLE. GUY had an opening line that would say “there’s no way you’re funnier than I am.” If every guy said that same line, that means you are not original, therefore you are not witty, and therefore you are NOT funny. Show some originality, people! Or, you could actually just be funny. That would be a pleasant surprise. I could go on and on and on about this. If you have to advertise your sense of humor, you’re not going to be funny. Wait – I know what you’re thinking. I advertised it on my profile as well, but I’m the exception, okay?
The list of crap that dudes say is longer than a roll of toilet paper. Eventually, reading between the lines becomes just as easy as slipping on a pair of flip flops. But maybe now I’ve spared you uncomfortable interactions, saved you from a couple “hit and runs”, and warned you about the caliber of some men.
No you cannot poop on my chest 