Up to this point, I’ve analyzed and annihilated the males’ profiles, letting you see all of the horribly ridiculous things guys say and do. But now, I feel that it’s now my social responsibility to give some insight on what YOU’RE doing wrong. Yes, you, you pretty little diva. It takes two to tango, and I’d be willing to bet the lack of online success you’re having is partly your fault. The pendulum swings both ways, honey, and it’s time to change that profile (and mindset) around. Do me a favor and STOP BEING A BASIC BITCH. Don’t know what I mean? Well, you’re in luck, because I’m about to drop some knowledge on your perfectly lip-lined face.
I’d like to put something in perspective for you first. There are approximately 40 million people that online date. For a program designed specifically to judge you in a split second based on looks and a snapshot of personality, you have one chance in your profile to make you stand out above those millions of other people. If you don’t, you’re not going to be taken seriously if you legitimately want a real connection, or you just might miss your chance with someone really great (yeah, good people do exist online).
The damned selfie… If every picture on your profile is a selfie, you put off the vibe that you are self-absorbed and high maintenance. While I’m sure your picture is magnificent, guys don’t like selfies. If you’re anything like me, you roll your eyes every time you see a picture of a dude who has taken a picture of himself. You KNOW you’ve thought they’re full of themselves and narcissistic. Truth be told, the same applies to women. It’s cringe-worthy. One cliché selfie of your duck face (btw, can we please stop the duck face?!) sitting in the driver’s seat of a car is okay, but you have to show that you are more than just a pretty face, or it will be apparent that you’re shallow and that is a complete turn off. Quit being basic! Post pictures of you with your friends, or pictures of you doing something fun, you know, other than chugging a bottle of wine. But if you do post pictures with your friends, please make sure you have at least one other picture on your profile of just you, so the guys will be able to pick out who you are. If you don’t, they will always assume you are the ugly one, and swipe left.
“No hookups, please” is the lamest sentence you can put in your profile. I can’t even roll my eyes back far enough to remotely emphasize how stupid this statement is. If you have to preface that, you’re clearly thinking that you’re so hot and desirable that men just can’t stop pawing at you, or you’re incredibly pretentious. Either way, get a grip. Also, I’m going to tell you right now that it doesn’t deter anybody from trying bang you anyway. So if you think it helps, you’re wrong. Second, you are just as full of crap as the guy that says “Jesus is my bro”. I guarantee if a guy paid enough money on a date or you drank enough booze, your clothes would be off as quickly as the weather changes in Georgia. And here’s a newsflash – Everybody knows you spread like butter, so quit playing. On that same topic, if you don’t want guys to think you’re only there for random hookups, that half naked picture of you making out with your best friend just might send the wrong message. I know, call me crazy. But for some reason acting like a slut is going to make the male population think you actually are. So keep it classy, ladies.
Here is my biggest pet peeve of all – the basic (AKA fake) profile description. Thanks to all of you women who have pretended to like that things that guys like, because you’ve ruined it for us that really do like craft beer and hiking. It’s okay to be yourself. It’s okay to like wine and not “craft beer”, but do us a favor and STOP BEING A BASIC BITCH. I just happen to like very similar things to what dudes like, but I can’t put that in my profile because of people like you. I look like a liar when I say I like to be active or watch sports. But I’ll tell you this – if you say you like hiking and being outdoors, you better prepared to prove it, because by date 3 you will be found out, and you will wind up back on the site trying to find someone else who doesn’t see through your bullshit (which they eventually will, by the way). Here’s another annoyance for me. “Must love dogs”. That’s the name of a movie, so please stop putting this in your profile. You are not Diane Lane. Yeah, we get it. You love your dog and life is great. Oh, you’re a package deal? That’s cute, but that’s not original and it’s annoying. So stop. Just stop.
Okay, enough about your terrible profile. Let’s focus on your interactions, which are just as bad. Don’t talk only about yourself and don’t ask them what they do for a living within the first two sentences. Sounds pretty easy, right? If you immediately ask what they do, you appear to be (or most likely are) a gold digger. While I understand we all want a man who is employed or financially stable, let’s not make this our priority within the first few seconds. If you are a gold digger, at least hide that part about you until after the first date. You’ll get a lot further if you do. And while I’m thinking about it, if you just want a guy with money, go to sugardaddy.com and find you an older man who will put up with your boujee lifestyle, and leave the other guys interested in something more substantial to the rest of us.
So, my final thought is this… Be yourself. You don’t have to try and impress every male on your site by acting or looking a certain way. I don’t know about you, but I personally want a guy to like me for me and all my quirks; a guy who likes my pictures when I’m covered in mud and have no makeup on, or a guy who likes me because I don’t actually look like a slut puppy. If I want something long lasting, I don’t want to keep up this fake profile in real life, so I keep it honest online. You’re not going to find long lasting happiness by doing the things you don’t actually love. If you don’t like being outdoors, please stop telling people that you love camping. Why would you pretend to like something that you really don’t? It just doesn’t make sense. So stop being like everybody else and trying to be that cutesy party girl who pretends to enjoy breweries with her “bros” on the weekends and Sunday night football. I actually like that stuff, but that’s beside the point. With all that being said… Stop. Being. Basic.
No you cannot poop on my chest 