I guess it’s been about three years since I blogged. I dropped out of the online dating world when I got lucky and snagged a real gem. This guy is so good he got me to move across the country to Arizona with him. Needless to say, I’m a pretty big fan of my boyfriend, and the rest is history. I’m very possibly the luckiest girl I know.
Quite frankly, I deserve it. As I spend each day with my boyfriend, I feel so lucky that I’m finally in a loving a relationship with a man who loves me unconditionally – even though I’m a slob, I fart on accident when he hugs me a little too tight, and I grunt in my sleep. From my scary morning face to my crazy little female moments, this guy gets me. I can’t help but think how stupid I was to not realize what I was putting myself through with my ex. Sometimes I’ll say to my boyfriend, “you know, if you were my ex I wouldn’t be able to do this,” or something like “if you were my ex, I would be feeling this way”. Do you even know what a relief it is to have a boyfriend that you trust implicitly? That when his phone goes off, you don’t have to wonder who’s on the other end, or who he’s messaging on Facebook? I sleep soundly in his arms every night, knowing I’m the only one. His heartbeat puts me to sleep, and I am so happy. I know he has my best interest at heart, he pushes me to be a better human, and never doubts of what I’m capable. I’m pretty enough, I’m smart enough… I’M GOOD ENOUGH. Man, what a feeling. It took me 4 years from my break up to find myself and my worth, and now I have a man that affirms that every day.
So I’m writing this as sort of a letter, I guess. My ex doesn’t give a shit about me. He never did. Do I think he thinks about me? Not in the slightest. Do I wish he would? Of course, so he can see how much better I am without him. But this isn’t really about him. It’s about me. To say things to him I wish I had said then. To say things I wish he knew now. And really…to forgive him…and to forgive myself. If you read the first blog, you know what a shitbag he was. So it’s time to put all the hurt and all the memories to rest.
***Dear Shitbag (mature, I know…shut up),
When we were together, you thought I didn’t know a lot of things. You must have thought I was stupid, and I guess you’d be right. Stupid for putting up with your shit, but I knew what you were doing. You thought I didn’t know what was going on behind my back. You thought I didn’t know when you were lying. You thought I didn’t know that when I left you, and you were magically engaged 6 months later, you had been seeing her behind my back (but this one was for quite some time). You thought I didn’t know that you picked fights so you could pretend to be angry and leave the house to go see her (whoever “her” was at the time). You thought I didn’t know there were more than 6 “women” you cheated with. You thought I didn’t know what you were doing on craigslist, snapchat, WhatsApp, Facebook, or Messenger. I saw the pictures, the texts, the emails. You thought I didn’t know the condom I found in your wallet wasn’t for me. You thought I didn’t know that when you promised to go to counseling for yourself, you lied about it, and never really went at all. You thought I didn’t know that you were lying when you said you had a ring on layaway. You thought I didn’t know that when you went to Biloxi with your friends, you shacked up with another chick in your hotel room. Same thing with your Grand Canyon trip. You thought I didn’t know that Laura wasn’t really your landlord at your old apartment complex. You thought I didn’t know why you would never kiss me or hold my hand in public, or why you walked 2 feet in front of me anytime we went somewhere. You thought I didn’t know that when I went to my uncle’s funeral in Chicago and was crying to you about the eulogy I was writing, you were with another girl and took her to the baseball game I bought us tickets for, for your birthday. You thought I didn’t know about all the things you said behind my back, and how you trashed me to every person you knew. You thought I didn’t know that the only reason you stayed with me was because I was convenient – I did your laundry, cleaned your house, made your dinner, and let you do whatever you wanted. You thought I didn’t know all those nights you stayed out, didn’t come home until the next day, and “crashed with your friends”, that you were actually with whatever girl you were screwing at that time.
The list could go on. 7 years was a long time to accumulate a novel full of “you thought I didn’t know”s. Here’s what I truly DIDN’T know. I didn’t know better. I didn’t know my worth. I didn’t know how love was supposed to be. I didn’t know it wasn’t okay. I didn’t know it WAS okay to leave when I should have at the very beginning. I didn’t know that I would get over you or how I was going to move on. And I didn’t know there was a better life ahead. I still DON’T know why you didn’t love me or why you thought it was okay to treat me the way you did. I don’t know if you’ve ever changed.
For a long time, it hurt that I wasn’t the one you married, that I fought so hard for you for 7 years and got nothing but a shattered heart and a broken soul. It hurt that the girl you DID marry knew about me while we were together, and didn’t care. It hurt that you both could do what you did. The emotional abuse of our relationship hurt. The memories hurt, and how I feel when I remember all the shit I went through hurts. I’ll never understand it all. But there are some things I can thank you for. I can thank you for how strong I have become. Without you I may never have learned what love ISN’T. Thank you for teaching me that I will NEVER put up with what I did EVER again…and that I don’t have to! Thank you for moving on when I couldn’t, because the time it took me to heal just prepared me for something greater. For a beautiful human who knows what love is.
So with that I have a wish for you and your wife. I wish you both happiness. I hope that you never treat each other the way I was treated. I hope you love each other unconditionally and hold your vows close. I hope she regrets what she did to me, and although she may think she’s won, she never really did. Well, I guess we both won. She got what she wanted, and I got so much more. I hope your children are happy and healthy, and that you breathe positivity into their lives, that you raise them to be strong and caring humans. I hope you have found peace with your life choices. I hope your love for each other is pure and unconditional. I hope you both have changed.
Do you regret what you did, and the 7 years you put me through hell? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever know. But now I can tuck this all away, and breathe a little deeper. My life is full of love, true friends, and fulfillment. I’m a BETTER person. I’m a HAPPY person. I’m a SANE person. I’m all those things I never was when I was with you.
Signed,
The Girl That No Longer Gives a Shit***
Well, now I feel better. I think these lyrics are a perfect summary of how I feel:
“You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”
I hope you’re somewhere prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'”
P.S. Whenever I write my next blog and my boyfriend is in it, I’ll just nickname him “stallion” 🙂
No you cannot poop on my chest 